Hey Internet. This is Joey e-talking at you from team GAME PROGRAM ATTACK!

With the season of GPA drawing to a close, I decided to fire up my old NES to replay some of my favorite REAL old school games.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE GAMES I PLAYED, WEEEEEE:


BATTLETOADS
This brutally-punishing-obvious-rip-off-of-ninja-turtles is the best game you will only ever play 3 levels of. I still occasionally have nightmares of the speeder bikes in level three, and just in case you were wondering, yes – it’s still as hard as you remember. As three heroic toads RASH, ZITZ and PIMPLE (seriously) you are out to stop the evil DARK QUEEN from doing something presumably bad in her sexy outfit. The Battletoads eventually went on to co-star in games with Double Dragon, but that was dumb.



 



KIRBY’S ADVENTURE
Kirby is a round pink squishy looking guy that has been in about 200 games over the last 20 years. He’s my go-to in smash brothers even though people say that makes me a “cheap bitch,” but they’re just mad they’re getting the shit beaten out of them by a little pink guy. After I beat them with Jigglypuff, they go home because they aren’t having fun anymore. Kirby’s Adventure is when I remember Kirby finally coming into his own. He could fly, swallow things whole and steal the souls of his enemies through the
absorbing power of rapid digestion. Kirby never lost. Kirby never quit. Kirby never pooped. I tried to be Kirby. It didn’t go well.

 


THE ADVENTURES OF LOLO
Lolo is what happens when you start with a Kirby game, take out the platforming, the power sucking, the eating dudes, and the cuteness and replace it with a hairy blue Kirby. Ok, it’s actually nothing like Kirby. You push blocks around and solve puzzles. Lolo can’t fight. If he touches anything he dies. He can’t swim, and he shoots big wads of spit that turn stuff into eggs or something. While its tough to sell anyone on a puzzle game, Lolo was the first game to literally make me JUMP because it scared the sh%t out of me. It only takes one frozen stare from the medusa guards throwing knives into your head before you vow to never let it happen again. The off angled eyes staring right into your soul as Lolo breathes his last breath will haunt you forever. As he blips away into oblivion, just
know…it was your fault.

 


BUBBLE BOBBLE
You guys like Dragons? Do you like fruit? Do you like…BUBBLES? Well you’re in luck. Bubble Bobble has all three for some reason. As Bub or Bob, you trap various monsters in your mucusy bubbles and then pop them. This kills the monsters. Then the monster corpses turn into fruit. Then you eat the fruit. After Bub and Bob realized their game was super dumb, they went over and started the game series Bust-A-Move and never came back. I played Bubble Bobble a lot. Especially in math on a calculator because it looked like I was doing math. Suck it, math.

 


CAVEMAN GAMES
I’m pretty sure this game is terrible, but when I was a kid I just couldn’t stop playing it. As the name implies, this is the Olympics from the point of view of cavemen. You get to pole vault over T-Rex heads, ride dinosaurs, race to start fires and fight with clubs. The best event was the “mate toss”. In this version of shotput, you grab a woman by the leg, spin
around and toss her as far as you can. Then if you throw them far enough, the ladies do a dance for you. 6 year old Joey thought it was awesome that even when you played as Crudla, the girl caveman, she still tossed a lady mate. Don’t laugh. Crudla will f--- you up.

Well that was fun. If you’re interested in some “lets-play” style videos for old video games,  keep an eye on our Explosomagico channel, as that may be happening some time in the near future. Stocking up on the necessary whiskey and cartridges now.

Subscribe and keep an eye out for Game Program Attacks over on Fatfinger. Watch all the old GPA episodes TOO! If you hate games (but for some reason still read this article), then watch some Destructo Box.

VIDEO GAMES,
- Joey